It was a freaking spiritual awakening
This past week I watched both of Dr. Brene Brown’s TED talks – one about vulnerability, and the other about shame. In the latter, she recounts an exchange with a woman who approached her at the mall.
Woman: “You’re the shame researcher who had the breakdown!”
BB: “…It was a freaking spiritual awakening.”
Woman: *winks* “I know.”
Upon hearing this, I burst out laughing and vowed to refer to any future breakdown as a “spiritual awakening” from here on in. Turns out that plan couldn’t come a moment too soon.
CGA is hard, y’all. Really. Effing. Hard. Don’t get me wrong – I love being here in Gainesville and I’m learning so much. I cannot emphasise enough that I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now. There are just some days where it feels like I’m wearing my 50-pound World Race backpack and trekking through two feet of peanut butter, and I’ve had quite a few days like that recently.
Before I ever got accepted to the program, I spoke with my former squad mentor and current director of CGA, Travis. He told me outright that this next season would be more challenging than the Race had been, and that I needed to be ready for it. Pick up your sword, warrior – we’re going into battle again.
So yeah, I knew exactly what I was getting myself into. I had been told that the beginning of CGA would be deeply introspective, because in order to lead people, we have to be well-acquainted with ourselves first. While it almost seems narcissistic, I genuinely do not believe that’s the case. After all, how am I supposed to guide others in challenging situations, through their brokenness if I haven’t healthily dealt with my own?
I’ll be the first one to say that I’ve had some amazing breakthroughs in the short time I’ve been here, which says a lot considering it took the first half of my Race to really get to the deep stuff… but it’s not without difficulty, discomfort, and the occasional existential crisis.
It’s like mining for gold – you have to dig through all the dirt and unpleasantness, and some of those rocks are nearly impossible to bore through… but you eventually do. Then of course, you find what you’ve been looking for the whole time…
And you drop it right on your foot so it can hurt one more time before you can cash it in. …What? Did you think this was going to be some shiny, perfectly wrapped up metaphor?
This past week, I hit a wall. I was burned out. I was over vulnerability, over healing, over stepping out of my comfort zone, over community… just over it. And to add another layer to it, I was angry with myself for being “over it.” I really had thought that I was more resilient than that.
On Thursday I tried to transfer my thoughts from my brain onto paper, and I was so filled with a confusing, frustrating rage. I wasn’t sure what to do about it – even writing proved itself to be impossible when I found myself holding the pen with such a death grip that I was afraid I might break it.
I suddenly felt this intense need to go do something active – run a few miles, lift weights, or maybe find a driving range and work on my long game – anything to let this feeling out in a productive manner. If I kept it in, I would explode.
Thankfully I did get that outlet, and by the following day, my anger had burned off and all I had left were a few smoldering embers. I went from being unable to be still to using every ounce of energy I had just to get myself off the couch. I cried, I prayed, I begged God for the strength to get out of this rut before it became a pit.
And you know what? He gave it to me, because the next morning I woke up ready to conquer the world again, slay my insecurities, and walk back into the fire of refinement. As far as breakdowns – excuse me, spiritual awakenings go, this one was relatively uneventful.
But that’s the thing about changing our vocabulary – it changes our mindset. In the breakdowns, we wonder where God is. In the spiritual awakenings, we are constantly reminded of his presence, even when it does feel like wading through two feet of peanut butter wearing a 50-pound backpack.
So thank you, Brene – it was a freaking spiritual awakening.
