Back in Thailand during month eight of the World Race, the Holy Spirit told me to pray about leadership.
My first thought? “Oh crap.”
A few days before this, I had a gut feeling that teams would be changing soon (which turned out to be correct). This combined with the prompting from the Spirit now made me think about the next few months in a very different way.
“Wait a minute, they couldn’t possibly make me a team leader, could they?”
I was 99.9% sure that I was not going to be a team leader, based on how the first eight months of my Race had gone, but still that one percent of possibility remained in my mind. Why had God told me to pray about leadership?
After all, I had strongly desired a leadership role since Training Camp – I even would have been a team treasurer if it had been offered to me, even though that was by far my last choice. I had been in leadership positions in school, at college, and in the community for half my life now, was that all for nothing? What was all of this “leadership training” for when I was a teen and young adult if I wasn’t going to get to use it?
But I kept my mouth shut. If my squad leadership was going to make me a team leader, then they would. If not, then they wouldn’t. So there was no use wondering about possibilities until the time came. I did confide in my own team leader and ask her to pray with me, but other than that, this was between me and God.
When team changes did come, I wasn’t a team leader, and I wasn’t surprised. Still, I knew what I had been told and it lingered in the back of my mind. “Pray about leadership.”
Perhaps this meant praying for the existing squad and team leaders, or maybe it meant praying about what it means to be a leader when I don’t have the title. So I did both of these things, and eventually stopped wondering what else it could have been referring to – clearly it wasn’t about me, at least not anytime soon.
Then at the end of our month in Honduras, our host Val gave every member of my team a personalized note. Instead of our names, each one was addressed to a characteristic she saw in us. After spending just a month with Val, she was already one of the most perceptive people I had ever met.
Mine was addressed to “Emergent Leader.”
This gave me the confidence I needed to start thinking of myself as a leader again, and after the Race, I decided to pursue leadership roles through Adventures and the World Race. I applied for a Kingdom Journeys trip, a Squad Story Leader position, and to be a re-entry mentor for returning Racers.
Much to my disappointment, I was rejected from all three of these.
I wanted to keep going, and apply for Alumni Squad Leading and Passport trip leading, but I heard the Lord say to me “Not yet.” I was also advised against applying at this time by my former squad mentor (and current CGA director), with him telling me I needed more development first.
Not “You aren’t a leader.” Just “Not yet.”
And this is a large part of how I’ve ended up at CGA, mainly because I believe God has called me to leadership in some capacity, but also because I want to Squad Lead for the World Race.
For months I kept this mostly to myself without really knowing why. If someone asked if I were interested in squad leading, I would at least give them a “maybe,” but even though this was a dream of mine, I couldn’t bring myself to declare it as such. And I didn’t know why.
Then, in the same way he had asked, “Do you trust me?” months ago, the Lord asked me,
“Sarah, what are you afraid of?”
Oh man.
What was I afraid of? That I wouldn’t get to squad lead? Or something much bigger, rooted much deeper my soul?
Was I afraid of disappointing my supporters – having to explain why I wasn’t doing this thing I said I was pursuing? Afraid of rejection? Failure? All of the above?
Even if I didn’t have the specifics figured out, this question answered my previous one. Now I knew why I had hesitated to go public with my desire to squad lead.
Fear.
Hello old “friend,” we meet again.
I came to CGA to be challenged, to learn, to grow, to serve, and to do things that won’t be possible if I let fear get to me.
So I’m not going to let it. Instead, I’m just going to say this:
I want to lead a World Race Squad. I want to guide Racers through this incredible journey that I and hundreds of others have undertaken. I want to lead with strength, humility, grace, and vulnerability. I want to obey the voice of God wherever he sends me, even across the world again. Especially across the world again.
And I will not be afraid.
